A BLANK PAGE

Sitting in front of a blank page.
Just remember from my creative writing studies how frightening a blank page could be even for an experienced writer. 

Well, today it is not the blank page, that frightens me, it´s more the blank spots in my brain. I simply have nothing to write about!
And I mean NOTHING.
My diary is gathering dust as well.

For someone who loves to write that´s a disaster!

So, what happened?
I had some intense months of self finding. Universe is in a constantly change and me - as usual - went with the flow. 
It was a blast to feel exactly what I was reading everywhere. I received a lot of answers to my everlasting questions and the Big Picture got more visible while swimming of the wave of life.
A while ago my mood changed.
First I thought the honeymoon is over and I am back on the dusty road again. But that´s not right. I still see the Big Picture. I still feel there is something huge around the corner. Only right now I am feeling kind of numb. 
Is it a still stand? Not really. I am still moving. I feel I am still on the right track. I am just feeling ... numb.
 
There is a blank page right now.

Feeling more detached from people than at any other time in my life. Not that I am surprised about that but it´s getting a bit scary.
On the other hand I am so into my own topics. There is hardly anything I would like to or be able to share with anyone around me. Why? Because though I clearly understand the topics in my head it is not easy to voice them as well. Vice versa I am not interested in the "modern topics", which -normal- people are dealing with nowadays.  
So it´s understandable to feel detached from society, right?

At the same time I feel more connected with Universe / Nature than ever. When being by the sea I usually start with my prayers I´ve learned from the Natives.
Please don´t get me wrong! I am far from praying like a Native. And I do not want to copy anything they do. But I adapted some of their prayers to my own needs. Sometimes I scatter some tobacco to show my gratitude to Wakan Tanka, the Great Mystery, and I love to connect with all the energies around. "All my relatives", that´s how the Lakota are addressing all living beings:

- the Two Legged
- the Four Legged
- the Winged Ones
- the Swimmers
- the Crawlers
- the Plant People
- the Stone People

I also ad Mother Earth, Father Sky, the Moon and the Stars, Air and Water to my list I want to connect with.

And even when I am reciting my list I recognize how hard the Two Legged are coming over my lips at the moment.
Am I worried about that?
Yes, a little bit.
Although I receive a lot of messages at the moment that it´s totally okay to feel detached when following your own path. So I try not to think about it too much.

Now what else?
My Birthday is coming up. I wrote about that.
Still okay with that thought. With a inner smirk I think: "The first 50 years were there to learn my lessons. The next 50 years are there to enjoy life to the fullest."
Well, not that I haven´t enjoy my life so far and I am sure there will be some more lessons hitting home in the future.
Let them come!
There is so much more to learn.

I receive messages on my way where to and how my next steps should been placed.
Right now there are a few urgent tasks on my life agenda:
- Becoming the person I really am
- Stop lying to myself
- Finding out why there still is so much anger, sadness and grief inside me 

So yes, though there is an emotional blank page inside me right now, there is much to do. It´s never getting boring.

With all this in mind I wish us, you and me, a pleasant summer!
Have a great time, enjoy the hot temperatures and the lovely summer evenings and nights.

See ya ... 

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