It´s lingering ...

 

Soon, very soon.

Not that I am someone who is celebrating Birthdays. In fact I am avoiding them since decades. People who know me well will not expect Birthday wishes from me. At least I hope they don´t do it anymore. 
Usually I take some vacation around my Birthdays because I just want to enjoy the summer days without work. Then, every year, I promise myself to ignore that "special day" completely. But it doesn´t work. My mind tells me "Happy Birthday" more than once during the day. And at some point I get a bit sentimental. Sentimental because on that day I inevitably remember the Birthdays of my life so far and of course I wish I could have someone very close around me who treads me like a Birthday Girl ... 

It wasn´t in my cards so far. 

This year I also will have some vacation around the Big Five. The plan is to avoid it - like every year - and to even be miles away from my mobile phone, my laptop and therefore internet in general.
Well, we´ll see. I will take it as it comes. Depends on the mood I will be in on the "Big Day". 

I don´t have a problem with getting older. Absolutely not.

As long as people react with even shocked faces when I say: "I will be 50 in a couple of weeks." and as long as these shocked faces appear honest ... I am good.

Well, I don´t feel 50 at all. And I mean it. 

And as a person who believes in eternal life in general I am also not afraid of the smaller numbers of years toward the expected "exit". I have to learn a bit more in this life because I want to be better prepared for my next life, yes. Though no morbid thoughts on the horizon. 

Although I have to confess the approaching date is too often on my mind lately. No matter how empathically I tell myself to not think about it at all. There are a few not so comfortable - or to tell the truth - sad thoughts lingering.

First of all: 

The 50st Birthday will be the definitely end of my favourite 49th year of life. (I know, I know! my 49th year of life ended with my 49th Birthday ... but at least I am still able to say I am 49.) Once I am 50 this is over and done.

Then:

As much as I am not celebrating Birthdays - of course I would love to have a bunch of people in my life to celebrate my Birthdays with. Not in my cards. No one to blame for. Just the way my life enfolds around me being Highly Sensitive. 

But most of all:
There is one important personal "bill" open in my life. Though I booked that bill as unsolved already long time ago, there is this last little spark of hope for it to be solved on my 50th Birthday. Honestly, I don´t expect it to happen but this remaining little spark of hope will only die when this day is over.

And then I can bury it once and for all!

My Energetic helpers are squirming right now.

With what I wrote I expect it NOT to happen instead of keeping the little spark alive for bit longer. 

Anyway. The hope is already very, very theoretical. So it doesn´t really matter.

So, where do I take it from then?

Easy question. Nothing will change when it comes to age and that stuff. My life is not controlled by age and numbers. As Highly Sensitive Person I am able to re-live every stage of my life. That´s curse and blessing in one. 

Also I am taking the signs of life pretty easy. Grey hair, wrinkles, approaching changes of the woman´s body ... all those physical changes during my life I took pretty natural. There is nothing to worry or to be afraid about. That´s what is going on with everyone. Period.
The last time I dyed my hair was when I was in my Twenties. Chemicals are not my friends at all! And in that field I got even more sensitive in age.  

And I am still very happy with my skin. 

Right now I am even feeling fitter than the last couple of years because of my more healthier lifestyle. 

So the physical ticking of time is not a topic at all in my case.

And the mental state?

Well, I came pretty far I have to say.

There was and there still is a lot to learn though. And that´s a positive thing. Because when I don´t have to learn anymore I really can end my eternal life, right? When I´ve solved every single issue, when I´ve learned every single life lesson, when I grew to where I needed to grow ... then there is nothing to do anymore. No need to come back to the world and start afresh anymore. 

So right now at this point in my life I am really happy about everything I already achieved and I am looking forward to everything I still have to achieve. 

We are living in an intense time at the moment.

The Universal shift into a higher good is enormous right now! There is plenty to do. 

It´s a time of clarity as well. 

Which is amazing and exhausting at the same time.

And there are still a few heart dreams open ...

Nothing "burning" at the moment - I am pretty content about how everything is right now.

So, all in all, I am thinking about the Big Five, but I am not looking forward to it nor am I sad or scared. 

That´s also why I wrote that blog today, a couple of weeks before the actual day. Because hopefully it will be a nice, relaxed summer day as hopefully many more nice and relaxed summer days in 2021. 

Nothing more, nothing less!