In behalf of the children - a HSP blog

Waking up from an afternoon nap, grumpy and lazy, the last thing I wanted to do was to fire on my laptop and write a blog. 
But then - somewhere in my neighbourhood - a child started to scream. I don´t know the child and I don´t even know where the child is exactly living ...  but I exactly know the reaction of it´s mother ... because I witness that since years. And since years my own inner child´s soul is hurting in those moments. 

The other day that made me get up from my nap immediately to write down my burning thoughts.

I do not know the circumstances of that family. I do not know why the child is screaming in the first place and I do not know what is going on. There might me hundred "good" reasons for what happens every now and then. I do not know. 

The only thing I know is, that a child´s soul is broken every time a little more! 

For me it´s almost not bearable how brutal a mother can scream at her child (or maybe it´s the grandmother and her grandchild ... I do not know). 

The soul of a HSP is identical with the soul of a child. That´s not a fact I read somewhere. This is what I believe in. I do connect with small children so well, because I do understand them so well. I exactly understand what they are feeling! 
Why? Because little children do have a highly sensitive soul ... before life kicks in and it was taken from us, we all had a highly sensitive soul. That´s also something I believe in.
In fact most books about HSP also refer to our childhood. People, who studied HSP, found out that most likely deep traumas happened already in our earliest childhood.

I would like to back that up. Though I am not talking about abuse or any other kind of big issues in my case.

I had a wonderful early childhood! I was taken care of well and I felt loved by my parents, specially by my mother - the most important bond for a child.

But I do remember many, many moments when I was hurting. 

For example: 
I must have been three or four years old. Maybe five - but definitely not older. 
My parents used to join a group of hikers regularly and I, from beginning on, loved to hike with them! It was so much fun being outdoor, in the forests or in the mountains, a group of adults and some children where around me and I was pampered and spoiled badly.
One time I caught those adults talking about a special event: a late-night hike.
Me, the little girl, started to picture us hiking through a dark forest with a lot of torches everywhere (which would have been flashlights probably). I got so excited about it. So I double checked with my parents if I was allowed to come with them.
They said yes.
When the day of the late-night hike arrived, I was bursting with anticipation. I already was dreaming about me on my father´s hand, a torch (flashlight) in my own hand, walking among my parent´s friends, carefully placing one step in front of the other, while listening to the sounds of the night.

And then one of them said (not word by word, I do not remember the exact conversation): "You can´t come with us tonight. It´s not an event for a small child. It´s way after your bedtime."
"But you said I can come!"
"You can´t come with us. Don´t be stupid." 
"But you promised I can come!"
"That´s nothing for a small child. There will be no other children. It´s only for adults."

And then hell broke loose!
I was crying and screaming. There was nothing enough to express the pain I felt inside! I wouldn't go to that event? My parents lied to me? They would leave me behind (looked after by my brother and his wife of course)? 
What a betrayal! 

In the end I locked myself into my play-room, not to come out anymore, for ever!

Still, more than 40 years later, I am able to feel that pain. I still "see" myself as little girl, completely out of my mind, blocking the door and refusing to even talk or listen to whoever was behind that door.
I do not know anymore who was able to get me out of that room.
The scene I can "see" next is me, the little girl, sitting in my mother´s chair in our living room, watching a children´s program on TV. My parents already had left for the event and my sister in law let me have a little portion of fruit punch with whipped cream. I was calm but still my world was everything but right.

One of my favourite Saturday evening show for children was on. "Eins, zwei oder drei" - that´s also how the theme song goes: "Eins, zwei oder drei, du musst dich entscheiden, drei Felder sind frei. Plopp! Plopp, das heisst Stop. Nur noch einen Hopp, dann ist es vorbei." Something like: one,two three ... you have to pick one of the three "empty fields" - by hopping on the field with the right answer - Plopp! That means: stop. When you hear the Plopp you are only allowed to jump one more time. ... Basically also the rules for the game.) 

The "Plopp" was something the moderator was doing with his finger. He put his index finger into his mouth and by snatching it out, it made this plopping sound.
Of course I was singing along with the song as usual. And my brother tried to teach me to do this Plopp-thingy. 
At one point - I also can "see" that scene totally clear - while snatching my finger out of my mouth, I sent the glass with the fruit punch and the whipped cream flying! 
The glass did not break as far as I remember. But there was a huge mess of bits of fruits, liquid and whipped cream on the door, on the wall, on the side of the cupboard and on the floor! My sister in law was fuming. She scolded my brother more than me while she mopped up the chaos. 

All those pictures are completely clear in my mind. After more than 40years!
I still can FEEL the pain!
Why?
Because that was one of the traumas of my childhood!

Now, you might say: "Yes, but your parents were right. They couldn´t take you with them that night."
Of course they were right! Of course that late-night hiking event was nothing for me, 4 or 5 year old girl!
But why did they say I was to come with them in the first place?
To quiet me down at that moment?
Hoping I would forget it till the day of the event?

Well, I tell you something:
NO child ever forget something you promised to him or her when she or him is excited about something! 
As a parent you might have experienced something like that already.

Now lets get back to the screaming child and mother in my neighbourhood. Try to compare my story to what happens to that little child every couple of days:
A mother (or grandmother) completely out of her mind, yelling at him or her in a very brutal way, while the child is hurting about something already ... 
...
I can put myself so much in the shoes of that child.
I can so much feel the pain this little child is feeling every single time.
I so much feel it´s soul get broken a bit more every single time!

I do not know what you are able to remember from your early childhood. But I have many, many traumatic "pictures" which I still can see AND feel.
One of my first and deepest traumatic experience happened when I was a few months old. Yes, a few months ...
I see the little toddler standing in it´s onesie, grabbing the wooden bars of her cot and screaming on top of her lungs.
Why?
Because the little baby woke up at night from her mother got hurt badly ... !! 
No, my mother was NOT hurt AT ALL. My parents just had sex ...
But that´s not what the little baby understood or felt in that moment!

So today I want to speak in behalf of every single child and for every single living young soul:
PLEASE, ALWAYS be aware that every word and every action has an impact on a child´s soul.
When a child is crying or screaming or freaking out ... the child is ALWAYS hurting badly! No matter if you understand the reason why - PLEASE comfort the child! Give her or him room enough to express the pain. 

At NO point you EVER should yell at a hurting child!

And if it happens, because, believe me, I know how annoying a freaked out child can be ... !! ... then PLEASE make sure to talk to the child afterward. Take the child in your arms, make sure it knows you still love her or him and try to apologize for the yelling part.

You have no idea how much a child´s soul can break from "little things" ...

And there is one thing more I want to say:
Today I am immensely happy that I still can remember those moments. Because I can heal my inner child´s soul by "re-playing" the scenes from an adult´s point of view. 
I can tell that little girl that mommy and daddy didn´t want to hurt her by leaving her behind. I would try to explain that, yes, mommy and daddy made a mistake by saying in the first place she is allowed to come. I would try to explain to her that she was too young and mommy and daddy had good reasons to not take her along because they want the best for her.
I can mentally take that little baby in my arms, comfort her and tell her, that her mommy doesn´t get hurt at all. I would take her out of her cot, leave the room, sit with her in a cosy place and stroke her back till she stops crying, while holding her tight and rocking her on my lap till she calms down.

In order to overcome the traumas of my childhood I have to deal with them. 

Not always and not by force. They are coming up at the right moments anyway. Mostly triggered by something else. 
Today I embrace those moments. I don´t fear them anymore. Even when I still feel all of the pain, the fear or the shame from the past. Because that gives me the chance to heal! 

The incident of me witnessing my parents having sex when I was a small baby was a huge and scary emotion all of my life! I never talked about it. I tried to push it as far away as possible. The first time I spoke about it was when I was over 40! 
Now, every time that trauma-picture comes up, I can release the fear and the bad feeling a little bit more. The pain is fading ...! It doesn´t infect me that much anymore ...

Are you in contact with your inner child? 

For the sake to understand your children ...
For the sake to heal yourself ...