The Natives and Me - still an unsolved mystery!

The other day I had an interesting thought:

My connection with the Native Americans ... my longing for them ... the sad feeling of being disconnected from them ... missing them like missing a family when you are abroad ...

What if ...

What if all of that means missing just one person? 

THE person. My soul partner, my second half.

Is he a Native American?

With all those strong feelings toward the Natives it makes totally sense, doesn´t it? And for sure in one of his lives he must have been a Native. 

I mean, it really makes totally sense.

All the important events in my life were announced before they happened in one way or another. 

One of the best examples is the anticipation I felt for seeing dolphins and maybe even a whale in Madeira:

I bought that travel magazine of Madeira a couple of weeks before my trip to get in the right mood. I studied the pictures, I read the articles. But it was one article to which I always returned:

About a couple who offers dolphin and whale watching on their boat. 

This article caught me and I didn´t know why. I saw dolphins before and I´ve never really dreamed of seeing a whale in nature. But while reading this article there was this feeling of anticipation rising inside me. I got excited about the thought of one of these boat tours. I even started to tell friends and colleagues: 

"Guess what. They offer dolphin and whale watches in Madeira. Wouldn´t that be great to see those magical creatures on my vacation there?"

And yes, I booked one of that boat trips. Not with this particular couple from the magazine but with one of the many catamarans who offers those trips. 

They guaranteed to see dolphins. But whales ... with a mild smile ... they said it would be like winning the lottery. 

Well, I won the lottery!

I saw a whale on that trip! 

And those where the most magical minutes of my life so far.

Afterward it was this feeling of being excited long BEFORE it would happen that blew my mind. I kind of "knew" it! Universe was preparing me for one of the most special moments in my life.

So being reconnected with my soul partner would be so much more exciting than seeing a whale in nature, right?

Is that what Universe prepared me for as long as I can think back?

My first memories of my connection with the Native Americans goes way back to when I was a toddler. I remember I had this big bag of plastic figures on me wherever I went. I would sit down on the floor and create my own Native world. I had warriors and chiefs, I had horses and buffalos, I had tipis, fences, log fires and totem poles. 

After that came the Hollywood movies of cowboys and "indians". And I know that I always thought: "Please, you beautiful Natives, please, take me with you! Don´t leave me with the stinking cowboys!"

When I was watching ski jumping on TV with my brother when I was about 8 or 10 and he pointed out that two of the ski jumpers from Canada where Natives, I became a big fan of the athletics of Canada. All of them - even those who didn´t look like they were Natives ...

It was in the zoo of London when I met my first Native American in person!

I was 16 then and a extremely shy teenager from a small village in Austria. There was this group of American teenagers and I must have stared at the guy with long black hair because he came over to where I stood reading the sign of a funny looking animal. He asked me if I know what animal that is. I stumbled in my bad English, too nervous to talk to any boy especially to a Native American: "No, I try to find it out myself." What I thought was: "You are the Native, you should be able to tell me ..." 

After that "Hollywood period of ignorance" I started to read books about the Native Americans when I was a young adult. Boy, that was a hard time for me! Of course we learned at school what happened to the Natives, but it was only now that I was reading about the whole disaster. I was so ashamed to be a white European! I was so ashamed to belong to the race who treaded the Natives like animals! I felt guilty and I felt so sorry for what happened. There was this one book about the Indians of North America. On the last pages there was a list of the tribes with the numbers of members before Columbus arrived compared to today. It was heart breaking! I was sobbing for hours! There were tribes like 15.478 members before ... 356 nowadays. Or 2.693 before ... today: 0 

Thanks to the Great Spirit after the first books of the devastating truth of the history of America I also found books of the "normal life" of the Natives. How they lived their daily life, about their families, their traditions, their spirituality. With those books I got the chance to "be with them" in their own world - away from the white people. And I loved being with them! I loved how they solved their situations, how they raised their children and how they were connected to nature and to Mother Earth! They respect every creation as their relative! They call them the two-legged, the four-legged, the swimming, crawling and flying people, the stone and the tree people! A big family!!

Most of what I read was about the Natives of North America. I read a little of the Pueblos as well. But I always was interested in the Natives of the plains, the nomads. After all those years reading about the different bands of Natives I was totally amazed by the Lakota ... or Sioux, like they were called by the European. 

Have you seen "Dances with the Wolves"? Well, Kevin Costner lived with the Lakota! But only in the movie, not original in the novel by Michael Blake! In the book Lieutenant John Dunbar lived with the Comanches. 

The Lakota represented and still are representing everything what I love about the Natives. I love their traditions! I love their way of raising their children! I love how they take care of each other and of Mother Earth. 

One of their customs I adopted to my life from the moment I´ve read about it:
When Lakota create something they always deliberately make at least one mistake into their work. Why? Because they say that only God´s creations are perfect!
I LOVE that!! 

There was a time in my life, when I even tried to learn the Lakota language ...

 

During all those years I never felt the urge to go to America. The modern USA are nothing I can connect with at all! The actual situation of the Natives has nothing to do with the proud and strong people they were before. I wanted to be on their soil, yes. I wanted to be where they once where free and wild. But I always was afraid that seeing their actual sad situation would break my heart. 

Thanks to the Great Spirit and thanks to Facebook I get the information that they are still there! They are still fighting for their rights and they are keeping up their traditions! It seems that their need to return to their own culture is more important nowadays. It makes me happy! Very happy!

Now, what I never understood: why do I feel so deeply connected with the Native Americans? 

This question is so huge and was so urgent since decades! Fortunately it were - again - the Natives who "responded" to that urge. The Natives say that you always will get your answer - when it is the right time to receive this answer! Some of them you will receive immediately. Some of them you will get at a later point. And some of the answers you will not get at all - because they are not important for you ... 

I already met a couple of Natives. Some of them warmed my heart by saying: "You know what? You even look like a Native!"

Once I had a spiritual session with a Native from Surinam. When I asked him why I feel so connected he burned some sage, made me close my eyes and beat the drum for me. After a while, when my heart was beating in the same rhythm as the drum everything cried in me: "I want to be a Native!"
Afterward I didn´t know what to tell him when he would ask me about what happened because I felt so mortified by this. Telling a Native that I want to be a Native?? Embarrassing!

But he never asked me! He didn´t have to ask me. He just looked at me and said:

"You don´t have to BE a Native. Just live the Native ways."

He KNEW already what I felt!   

Gene Crowhawk Peltier - Rest In Peace, my dear Chippewa friend! - a Native, who was looking exactly like a Native should look in my opinion, who was living in a tipi in the forest during summer, his best friends there were Lily, a fully grown bear, and Sam, a coyote, ... wrote to me on Facebook: "It´s not fair. You even look more Native than me!" 

This was one of the nicest things someone ever told me!

Last year I had an energy session with my physical therapist. There came the point where an angel was sent to cut all the connections of my past which hold me back and which are not good for me.

After the session I was so confused and so deeply sad! I sobbed like a child and I cried out in pain: 

"The angel cut two of my most important connections!!!"

The angel cut my connection to my brother in law, who was an important person for me in his lifetime and became my Guardian Angel after he died. 

And the angel cut my connection to the Native Americans ...

I was broken! I was shocked! "A connection which is not good for me" - ?? - This life long connection is not good for me? I have to disconnect from the Natives? HOW WOULD THAT BE POSSIBLE?

Well, after some time I did understand that I have to let my brother in law go. I was holding him back. He died in 1990 and I still was not ready to let him go. I did understand that this was not only holding me back, but most of all it was holding him back. And that is not fair! I said my final Good byes and let him walk into the light. 

He will always remain an important person of my life - but it definitely was time to release him into the light.

So when this heart breaking parting was necessary and good - does that mean, I really have to let the Natives go? 

Doubts were raising inside me. Is this connection really holding me back? Do I hold on to them more than it is healthy for me? Was the angel right to cut this rope as well? 

With a heavy heart I tried to untangle my connection with the Natives. I forbade myself to listen to their music or to read books about them. I forbade myself to dream about them. I tried to release those habits of the Natives which I adopted into my life. I stopped wearing my rings, my bracelet and my earrings made by Natives ... 

A couple of weeks ago, in a period when I already were preparing for the beginning of my new life circle, I felt so much more vulnerable and I saw so much clearer than before. 

All of a sudden I recognized that I started to be attracted to men with long, black hair. I didn´t give it much thoughts because I know that I feel attracted to different types of men in different periods of my life. I just recognized it and I was laughing about myself when I thought "Sweet Jesus and Mother Marry!" almost every time I saw a man with long, black hair. 

Then I read a personal post of Wes Studi on Facebook. Wes Studi, a Native American Actor who played the role of Maqua in "The Last of the Mohicans". I love him in this role and I am more than happy that I was able to tell him this already. And even more happy when he replied to my message! 

Because of this post I wanted to watch the movie "The Last of the Mohicans" again so badly - for the 3.578 time!

But I hesitated. 

I should not do that, right? I was to disconnect with the Natives. It´s better I don´t watch the movie. 

But I wanted it - and I did it. I am that stubborn! 

And the truth hit me very hard! 

I still WAS connected to the Natives! I still miss them! And I DO NOT want to let them go!

And this stubborn thoughts felt right. 

But what I figured out was that I have to let "the old days" go. I was dreaming of the "golden past" when the Natives still were free and wild. Those days are over ... unfortunately. 

THIS was the bad part of my connection that held me back! Not the connection to the Natives - Thanks to the Great Spirit! - but my connection to a past which doesn´t exist anymore.

Boy, was I relieved about that! 

I don´t have to let go of the Natives! I am allowed to feel connected with them!

And I celebrate that new connection with all my heart. 

It feels so good. It feels right and it feels even stronger than before.

This new found feelings brought me to that interesting thought:

Does Universe prepare me for the reconnection with my soul partner by letting me feel that deep connection with the Native Americans because he IS a Native American?

YES!! PLEASE AND THANK YOU!

PILAMAYAYE WAKAN TANKA!